He's-a Wise-a! He's-a Gonna Win!

Look at this asshole. Would you believe he's actually saved the day more than once? Not that Wario cares about what state the world is in, he'd trade the entire thing in for more money if you'd give him the chance. Kidnapped princesses, ancient curses, lurking evils, Wario will bash the shit out of all of them if they're in between him and whatever treasure he has his eyes on at the moment.

Everything in between him and more money is just an obstacle waiting to be destroyed. And Wario is good at destroying things. If the need calls for it, he'll even publish his own crappy cash-in 5 second video games to feed the dumb consumers if that'll get him ahead.

Step On Them All You Want, Goombas Don't Give A Shit

Holy shit, not just one guy that doesn't give a fuck about anything, we've got an entire damned race that doesn't give a shit. Ever marching onward  no matter what's in their path, Goombas aren't known for caring about anything. They have no goals, no regard for life, don't hold grudges. All they do is walk in a straight line.

Originally sent in to stop a plumber from saving royalty, they don't even seem to really care about that either. Absolutely no effort goes into their objective as they just casually walk onward both towards and away from Mario. Mario on the other hand, will go to any extent to destroy and kill as many Goombas as he wants. Are they afraid of this homicidal maniac? Fuck no, if any creature in the world of video games did not give on single fuck about anything, it'd have to be Goombas.

You Have Three Seconds To Get Out Of Calo Nord's Damned Way.

You should think twice before getting in Calo Nord's way. He doesn't give a damn about you or what you think. All that matters is whether or not you have a bounty on your head. You do? Good, he'll kill you so he can collect the damn bounty. You don't? Too fucking bad, he'll still kill you for getting in wasting his time. Just look at this bad-ass motherfucker. Even an entire planet being bombed to high hell by the Sith is not going to stop him from taking down any punk nerf-herder that crosses his path.

You're a Jedi? Well good fucking job crossing him. Now you're a dead Jedi. The most he'll give is a three-second warning before shooting someone just for talking to them, so don't expect him to give a fuck about whatever you call yourself.

The First Player Two To Fuck Up The Hero, Jimmy Lee

Why not Billy? Fuck you, that's why. Billy was a wuss who fought to save his girlfriend, a girl only remembered for gaming's first pop-culture upskirt. Billy fought through hundreds, if not thousands of color-coordinated thugs to get his girl back.

Jimmy on the other hand fought for the hell of it. He didn't have anything better to do at the time. So when the opportunity rose to crack some skulls and help his brother out, Jimmy went and fucking took it. And like a true-blue player-fucking-two motherfucker, Jimmy went and beat the shit out of his brother after they ran out of thugs to beat.

Jimmy's not just some player two standing there by the side-lines. He's out there to beat the shit out of anyone standing in his way. Including the so-called player one.

Fuck Billy.

Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog

Sonic's his name, and speed is his game. Fast enough to leave his fanbase behind him, and rockin' an attitude straight out of the '90s, Sonic isn't one for moping around thinking about no stupid feelings. He'll face Dr. Robotnik head-on, breaking the speed of sound as he slips through different dimensions to gather Chaos Emeralds.

Stylish red shoes, hundreds of rings and chili dogs are enough to turn this blue storm into a one-hedgehog army.  Even a long spell of bad games and terrible design can't slow Sonic down. He's been through more shit than most game characters could possibly survive.

Protecting their eggs? Fuck that shit, Yoshi fucking throws those things.

How many heroes have had the chance to save an entire franchise before it got started? Yoshi brought Mario home before he even had a home. You know who tried to stop him? Bowser. And Yoshi just stomped the fool. Twice over!

Despite facing countless dangers, and the constant crying of the baby Mario, Yoshi manages to keep cool, and throw some damned eggs.

Have you ever thrown an egg at a person? You have? Well, good for you. Have you ever killed someone by throwing an egg at them? You haven't? Yoshi's survived countless battles by throwing his eggs hard enough to beat the shit out of anyone getting in his way.

On The Next Episode...

Remember when sidekicks used to help the main hero? No? Neither does Etna. Tasked with the objective to keep Laharl alive, one that she succeeded in despite numerous attempts to take his life, Etna gives absolutely not one single fuck about any of the events of Disgaea.

The Prinnies she hired? Canon fodder. That hero character she's traveling along with? Just a platform to meet her own goals. Her title? She hacked that.

Fuck, she even outgrew in rank way past the position of main character. Who was on the center of Disgaea 2's box art again? Etna. Who is in more Makai games than any other major character? Etna. Who does the narration for the next episode parts, derailing it into whatever the fuck she wants? Etna.