Jump, Bite, And Fuck Shit Up, The Perfect Recipe For Tomba!

Who's the bad ass motherfucker who gets the jump on pigs, throwing them into one another and beating the shit out of whoever gets in his way? Duke Nukem? Fuck no, that asshole can't even touch Tomba if he tried!

Living in a forest by himself, Tomba only has two priorities.

1. Jumping on anything alive.
2. Biting it.

Tomba doesn't give a shit about anything else. His grandfather's bangle that was stolen? An excuse to jump and bite an entire pig army that is trying to take over the world. A hundred year old hermit who wants to guide him? A thousand year old hermit who wants to guide him? A ten-thousand year old hermit who wants to guide him? Who gives a shit about those? Tomba blows them off, steals their goddamn keys, their treasures, and their food and carries on, sinking his teeth into more and more pigs scattered all over the place.

Trust Me, No One Gives Less of a Shit Than Bo Does

Imagine a game where the main character is completely unaware of anything going on around him. All he does is walk forward in a straight line. To him, there's no danger, there's no enemies, there's no quest or higher calling. It's all up to you, the player, to keep this fuckwad alive at all costs. Shooting his lazy ass to jump, his thick skull to duck, and his enemies so they'll die before harming him.

That's Rescue Shot in a nutshell. Not one protagonist gives less of a fuck of what's going on around him than Bo does because he doesn't even know what the flying fuck is going on all around him. In the meantime, every single damn thing in the universe is trying to kill him as he stumbles forward like a wasted oblivious asshole.

He's-a Wise-a! He's-a Gonna Win!

Look at this asshole. Would you believe he's actually saved the day more than once? Not that Wario cares about what state the world is in, he'd trade the entire thing in for more money if you'd give him the chance. Kidnapped princesses, ancient curses, lurking evils, Wario will bash the shit out of all of them if they're in between him and whatever treasure he has his eyes on at the moment.

Everything in between him and more money is just an obstacle waiting to be destroyed. And Wario is good at destroying things. If the need calls for it, he'll even publish his own crappy cash-in 5 second video games to feed the dumb consumers if that'll get him ahead.

Step On Them All You Want, Goombas Don't Give A Shit

Holy shit, not just one guy that doesn't give a fuck about anything, we've got an entire damned race that doesn't give a shit. Ever marching onward  no matter what's in their path, Goombas aren't known for caring about anything. They have no goals, no regard for life, don't hold grudges. All they do is walk in a straight line.

Originally sent in to stop a plumber from saving royalty, they don't even seem to really care about that either. Absolutely no effort goes into their objective as they just casually walk onward both towards and away from Mario. Mario on the other hand, will go to any extent to destroy and kill as many Goombas as he wants. Are they afraid of this homicidal maniac? Fuck no, if any creature in the world of video games did not give on single fuck about anything, it'd have to be Goombas.

You Have Three Seconds To Get Out Of Calo Nord's Damned Way.

You should think twice before getting in Calo Nord's way. He doesn't give a damn about you or what you think. All that matters is whether or not you have a bounty on your head. You do? Good, he'll kill you so he can collect the damn bounty. You don't? Too fucking bad, he'll still kill you for getting in wasting his time. Just look at this bad-ass motherfucker. Even an entire planet being bombed to high hell by the Sith is not going to stop him from taking down any punk nerf-herder that crosses his path.

You're a Jedi? Well good fucking job crossing him. Now you're a dead Jedi. The most he'll give is a three-second warning before shooting someone just for talking to them, so don't expect him to give a fuck about whatever you call yourself.

The First Player Two To Fuck Up The Hero, Jimmy Lee

Why not Billy? Fuck you, that's why. Billy was a wuss who fought to save his girlfriend, a girl only remembered for gaming's first pop-culture upskirt. Billy fought through hundreds, if not thousands of color-coordinated thugs to get his girl back.

Jimmy on the other hand fought for the hell of it. He didn't have anything better to do at the time. So when the opportunity rose to crack some skulls and help his brother out, Jimmy went and fucking took it. And like a true-blue player-fucking-two motherfucker, Jimmy went and beat the shit out of his brother after they ran out of thugs to beat.

Jimmy's not just some player two standing there by the side-lines. He's out there to beat the shit out of anyone standing in his way. Including the so-called player one.

Fuck Billy.

Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog

Sonic's his name, and speed is his game. Fast enough to leave his fanbase behind him, and rockin' an attitude straight out of the '90s, Sonic isn't one for moping around thinking about no stupid feelings. He'll face Dr. Robotnik head-on, breaking the speed of sound as he slips through different dimensions to gather Chaos Emeralds.

Stylish red shoes, hundreds of rings and chili dogs are enough to turn this blue storm into a one-hedgehog army.  Even a long spell of bad games and terrible design can't slow Sonic down. He's been through more shit than most game characters could possibly survive.