Jump, Bite, And Fuck Shit Up, The Perfect Recipe For Tomba!

Who's the bad ass motherfucker who gets the jump on pigs, throwing them into one another and beating the shit out of whoever gets in his way? Duke Nukem? Fuck no, that asshole can't even touch Tomba if he tried!

Living in a forest by himself, Tomba only has two priorities.

1. Jumping on anything alive.
2. Biting it.

Tomba doesn't give a shit about anything else. His grandfather's bangle that was stolen? An excuse to jump and bite an entire pig army that is trying to take over the world. A hundred year old hermit who wants to guide him? A thousand year old hermit who wants to guide him? A ten-thousand year old hermit who wants to guide him? Who gives a shit about those? Tomba blows them off, steals their goddamn keys, their treasures, and their food and carries on, sinking his teeth into more and more pigs scattered all over the place.

Trust Me, No One Gives Less of a Shit Than Bo Does

Imagine a game where the main character is completely unaware of anything going on around him. All he does is walk forward in a straight line. To him, there's no danger, there's no enemies, there's no quest or higher calling. It's all up to you, the player, to keep this fuckwad alive at all costs. Shooting his lazy ass to jump, his thick skull to duck, and his enemies so they'll die before harming him.

That's Rescue Shot in a nutshell. Not one protagonist gives less of a fuck of what's going on around him than Bo does because he doesn't even know what the flying fuck is going on all around him. In the meantime, every single damn thing in the universe is trying to kill him as he stumbles forward like a wasted oblivious asshole.

You Have Three Seconds To Get Out Of Calo Nord's Damned Way.

You should think twice before getting in Calo Nord's way. He doesn't give a damn about you or what you think. All that matters is whether or not you have a bounty on your head. You do? Good, he'll kill you so he can collect the damn bounty. You don't? Too fucking bad, he'll still kill you for getting in wasting his time. Just look at this bad-ass motherfucker. Even an entire planet being bombed to high hell by the Sith is not going to stop him from taking down any punk nerf-herder that crosses his path.

You're a Jedi? Well good fucking job crossing him. Now you're a dead Jedi. The most he'll give is a three-second warning before shooting someone just for talking to them, so don't expect him to give a fuck about whatever you call yourself.

The First Player Two To Fuck Up The Hero, Jimmy Lee

Why not Billy? Fuck you, that's why. Billy was a wuss who fought to save his girlfriend, a girl only remembered for gaming's first pop-culture upskirt. Billy fought through hundreds, if not thousands of color-coordinated thugs to get his girl back.

Jimmy on the other hand fought for the hell of it. He didn't have anything better to do at the time. So when the opportunity rose to crack some skulls and help his brother out, Jimmy went and fucking took it. And like a true-blue player-fucking-two motherfucker, Jimmy went and beat the shit out of his brother after they ran out of thugs to beat.

Jimmy's not just some player two standing there by the side-lines. He's out there to beat the shit out of anyone standing in his way. Including the so-called player one.

Fuck Billy.

Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog

Sonic's his name, and speed is his game. Fast enough to leave his fanbase behind him, and rockin' an attitude straight out of the '90s, Sonic isn't one for moping around thinking about no stupid feelings. He'll face Dr. Robotnik head-on, breaking the speed of sound as he slips through different dimensions to gather Chaos Emeralds.

Stylish red shoes, hundreds of rings and chili dogs are enough to turn this blue storm into a one-hedgehog army.  Even a long spell of bad games and terrible design can't slow Sonic down. He's been through more shit than most game characters could possibly survive.

Protecting their eggs? Fuck that shit, Yoshi fucking throws those things.

How many heroes have had the chance to save an entire franchise before it got started? Yoshi brought Mario home before he even had a home. You know who tried to stop him? Bowser. And Yoshi just stomped the fool. Twice over!

Despite facing countless dangers, and the constant crying of the baby Mario, Yoshi manages to keep cool, and throw some damned eggs.

Have you ever thrown an egg at a person? You have? Well, good for you. Have you ever killed someone by throwing an egg at them? You haven't? Yoshi's survived countless battles by throwing his eggs hard enough to beat the shit out of anyone getting in his way.

On The Next Episode...

Remember when sidekicks used to help the main hero? No? Neither does Etna. Tasked with the objective to keep Laharl alive, one that she succeeded in despite numerous attempts to take his life, Etna gives absolutely not one single fuck about any of the events of Disgaea.

The Prinnies she hired? Canon fodder. That hero character she's traveling along with? Just a platform to meet her own goals. Her title? She hacked that.

Fuck, she even outgrew in rank way past the position of main character. Who was on the center of Disgaea 2's box art again? Etna. Who is in more Makai games than any other major character? Etna. Who does the narration for the next episode parts, derailing it into whatever the fuck she wants? Etna.

Henshin Around!

If there ever was a character that did not give a single fuck about what was going on, than it's got to be Joe. Dude's girlfriend got dragged into a movie by a giant robot, and his only way of reclaiming her is to live his dreams of being a super sentai hero. Along the way he creates an over-the-top character for himself, complete with catch-phrases. Exchanging one-liners with bosses, and naming every area after movies of lore, Viewtiful Joe is just in it for the kicks.

This isn't a dangerous rescue mission, it's not a threat, it's an exploitive experience of a lifetime. Joe knows he's got an audience to please, and he's more than willing to go the extra mile for them. Dodging bullets in slow-motion, punching at the speed of sound, and posing with an extreme close-up. Nothing's too crazy for Viewtiful Joe.

Heaven or Hell's Of No Concern In Slayer's Duels. But He Rocks On Anway!

Classy as fuck. Just look at this bloodsucker here, Slayer might be part of the Guilty Gear series, but he doesn't give a fuck about what the hell is going on.

Where most of the cast of Guilty Gear is either over-the-top hotblooded or heroically stoic, Slayer just really doesn't give a shit. And why should he? He's immortal. There's absolutely nothing at stake for him him. Even if you beat him down, he'll still just lay on the floor with a bored expression on his face.

His entire moveset shows that he really doesn't care. Blocking with his cigar's smoke, and one-hit-killing people by merely citing a haiku. Without a single doubt, he's the strongest person in the entire franchise, and he knows how little's at stake for him. He's just here to observe, give advice, and maybe punch the odd person in the face.

Piecing Together The Universe? No Problem.

La La La La La La La La La, Katamari Damashii~! Huh? What? Universe being shattered to pieces? Again? And it all needs to be slapped together by rolling random objects into balls? Not to worry, The Prince has got this!

It's not like the entire universe can't be replaced or anything. It doesn't really matter. What? Who broke it? What evil was behind this? Oh, just his father. Playing tennis. He went binge-drinking? He created a tsunami? Eh, that's all in the past. Who really cares at this point anyway? Just let The Prince handle it, I'm sure he won't really mind. In fact, he looks sorta happy as he rolls playing cards, cars, people, and even entire planets together.

In the Katamari universe, it's not just The Prince who doesn't give a fuck. It's the entire cast. Like The King of All Cosmos destroyed all the fucks that could've been given in the universe. Maybe we should get The Prince on that one.

Authorize this, Adam!

The last Metroid is in captivity, the galaxy is at peace. Take three guesses why there is only one Metroid left, and why it's in captivity. If your answer was anything other than Samus Aran, then you are wrong.

Where most video game characters are stuck with roles as victim, faux-action girl, or "that weak fast one", Samus has always ignored all of these rules. She was too busy blowing up giant alien civilizations to ponder on gender roles. And it's not just a mission of peace either, mess with Samus, and she doesn't give a single fuck about your planet anymore. It's done.

It's gotten to the point that if you see Samus on your planet, that's a sure warning that your planet doesn't have much time left in this galaxy.

What? Metroid: Other M? I'm sorry, but I can't hear you over the sound of every planet and space station that Samus has ever set foot on exploding.

Late At Night, You Can Still Hear Blue's Raticate In The Wind

Holy shit, it's the goddamned Pokemon Trainer! Wait? What's so bad-ass about a trainer of little animals? Are you kidding me? Red is a damned legend! Just look at the basic powers of your everyday Pokemon, captured within a technological marvel in terms of storage space, they defy all the laws of nature on a regular basis.

And Red? He doesn't give a flying fuck about this. He'll cause Earthquakes, leveling entire cities, just to beat a small-time trainer out of some loose change. Red will fly from town to town using his mighty legendary birds just to find more creatures to enslave. When word came out of a secret cloned Pokemon being sighted in a cave, he was the first to get in there and capture him. He even brought back three races of Pokemon previously thought to be extinct, just for bragging rights.

An entire underground network of thugs stood between him and his road to glory, and he singlehandedly dealt with all of them, because fuck relying on authorities. You know who else stood in Red's way? Ash Ketchum. During the Pokemon League. Guess where Ash's journey to the top of the Pokemon League ended? Exactly.

You know who else stood in Red's way? Gary. Enough said.

ARE YOU OKAY?!

The announcer is counting down, the fight is about to start. A muscular American giant is standing in front of you. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a massive grin as he adjusts his cap. He looks you over before loudly shouting "Are you okay?!!" Only to launch forward to punch you in the face a second later.

Terry Bogard does not give a single shit about you, or this entire world-wide tournament. Unless you're name is Geese Howard, Terry Bogard will remain friendly and cheerful towards you outside of battle. He created his very own fighting style of coolness just to enter the tournament and meet with Geese, just to beat the crap out of him.

Fuck Bitches, Get Loot, Spelunker Don't Care

It's time to hide your gold, and hide your damsels, because we've got god damned Spelunker running around in here.

You know how heroes run around trying to save some bitch, or to stop some evil villain? Fuck all of that, the Spelunker only cares for one thing, and that's loot. Loot and bitches. And even then, he'd throw a bitch if it'd give him more loot. He's facing all sorts of dangers down there in those caves, and does he give a fuck? Fuck no.

Spiders? Traps? Snakes? If he doesn't have shit to lunge at them, he'll toss a damned damsel at them. Giant Spiders? Fuck those things, he'll make a damned sticky bomb out of their dead body.

Heck, people have set up shop down there to help him in his explorations, and how does he pay them back? He kills them and steals their shotgun if the time is right.

If you get in between the Spelunker and his prize, your shit is about to get fucked up.

Holy fuckballs, it's Kirby!

Holy fuck, are you seeing this? Look at that fucker's eyes, that mouth, Kirby is stoic as fuck.

Dreamland is in trouble? Starvation is rampant since King Dedede stole all the food? The Star Rod was stolen? What? It was only stolen so that the fabric of reality wouldn't get torn by some random douchebag? Who even gives a shit? Kirby's fucking got this. He'll swoop in on those idiots and crash into them riding a stars.

What? Kirby's pink, and pink is girly and lame? Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how fucking awesome the idea of killing some suckers by crashing into them with stars is.

How little does Kirby care? He was challenged to a swordfight, one on one, on top of a crashing airship. He accepted, won, and casually strolled his way out of the ship. That is many fucks Kirby gives about safety.

How many bad games can you name that Kirby starred in? Oh? Zero? That's right, and Kirby doesn't give a shit what you think about the difficulty on his games either. If every game character gave as few fucks as Kirby, every game would have been a lot easier.

Fucks? Bitch, Mario's Got Stars.

Holy shit, it's motherfucking Mario. Look at him, look at how many fucks he gives. Absolutely none, that's how many. Fuck.

Just look at that smile, that happy care-free look. His bitch just got kidnapped by a giant fire-breathing dinosaur, and he has to travel all across the globe just to get a chance at getting a kiss on the cheek from the whore, and does this worry him? Is he angry? Fuck no, Mario is fucking ready for any challenge.

Even just being a piece of paper doesn't worry him in the slightest. No, Mario just fucks shit up like a champ. He'll save that bitch and then throw a fucking party, or challenge his biggest rival to a friendly game of tennis, 'cause fuck, he doesn't give a shit.

Mega Man Does Not Give A Fuck

Look at this guy. No seriously, look at him. This guy right here, he gives no fucks. This is him, the entire game long, minus changes in color. He’s not tense, not sad, not angry. He just doesn’t give a damn. Mega Man gives no fucks whatsoever.

Wily took over 8 killer robots. He's planning to take over the world. Not only does Mega Man have to battle against those 8 robots, he also has to go through their stages which are specifically designed to give them the strategic advantage. Think that’s enough? Fuck no, Wily’s got a fucking castle with even more killer robots inside there. And if that's not enough, after that Mega Man has to fight all 8 robots again, before he can finally fight against the mad scientist himself.

And Mega Man gives zero fucks about any of this. It’s cool. This has happened before. It’ll happen again. Instant death spikes? Gigantic robots? Pits of death? Disappearing blocks? He doesn't give a shit.

Giving fucks hadn’t been invented yet, X was the first robot designed to do that. Mega Man plays it cool.