Authorize this, Adam!

The last Metroid is in captivity, the galaxy is at peace. Take three guesses why there is only one Metroid left, and why it's in captivity. If your answer was anything other than Samus Aran, then you are wrong.

Where most video game characters are stuck with roles as victim, faux-action girl, or "that weak fast one", Samus has always ignored all of these rules. She was too busy blowing up giant alien civilizations to ponder on gender roles. And it's not just a mission of peace either, mess with Samus, and she doesn't give a single fuck about your planet anymore. It's done.

It's gotten to the point that if you see Samus on your planet, that's a sure warning that your planet doesn't have much time left in this galaxy.

What? Metroid: Other M? I'm sorry, but I can't hear you over the sound of every planet and space station that Samus has ever set foot on exploding.

Fucks? Bitch, Mario's Got Stars.

Holy shit, it's motherfucking Mario. Look at him, look at how many fucks he gives. Absolutely none, that's how many. Fuck.

Just look at that smile, that happy care-free look. His bitch just got kidnapped by a giant fire-breathing dinosaur, and he has to travel all across the globe just to get a chance at getting a kiss on the cheek from the whore, and does this worry him? Is he angry? Fuck no, Mario is fucking ready for any challenge.

Even just being a piece of paper doesn't worry him in the slightest. No, Mario just fucks shit up like a champ. He'll save that bitch and then throw a fucking party, or challenge his biggest rival to a friendly game of tennis, 'cause fuck, he doesn't give a shit.