Authorize this, Adam!

The last Metroid is in captivity, the galaxy is at peace. Take three guesses why there is only one Metroid left, and why it's in captivity. If your answer was anything other than Samus Aran, then you are wrong.

Where most video game characters are stuck with roles as victim, faux-action girl, or "that weak fast one", Samus has always ignored all of these rules. She was too busy blowing up giant alien civilizations to ponder on gender roles. And it's not just a mission of peace either, mess with Samus, and she doesn't give a single fuck about your planet anymore. It's done.

It's gotten to the point that if you see Samus on your planet, that's a sure warning that your planet doesn't have much time left in this galaxy.

What? Metroid: Other M? I'm sorry, but I can't hear you over the sound of every planet and space station that Samus has ever set foot on exploding.

Late At Night, You Can Still Hear Blue's Raticate In The Wind

Holy shit, it's the goddamned Pokemon Trainer! Wait? What's so bad-ass about a trainer of little animals? Are you kidding me? Red is a damned legend! Just look at the basic powers of your everyday Pokemon, captured within a technological marvel in terms of storage space, they defy all the laws of nature on a regular basis.

And Red? He doesn't give a flying fuck about this. He'll cause Earthquakes, leveling entire cities, just to beat a small-time trainer out of some loose change. Red will fly from town to town using his mighty legendary birds just to find more creatures to enslave. When word came out of a secret cloned Pokemon being sighted in a cave, he was the first to get in there and capture him. He even brought back three races of Pokemon previously thought to be extinct, just for bragging rights.

An entire underground network of thugs stood between him and his road to glory, and he singlehandedly dealt with all of them, because fuck relying on authorities. You know who else stood in Red's way? Ash Ketchum. During the Pokemon League. Guess where Ash's journey to the top of the Pokemon League ended? Exactly.

You know who else stood in Red's way? Gary. Enough said.

ARE YOU OKAY?!

The announcer is counting down, the fight is about to start. A muscular American giant is standing in front of you. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a massive grin as he adjusts his cap. He looks you over before loudly shouting "Are you okay?!!" Only to launch forward to punch you in the face a second later.

Terry Bogard does not give a single shit about you, or this entire world-wide tournament. Unless you're name is Geese Howard, Terry Bogard will remain friendly and cheerful towards you outside of battle. He created his very own fighting style of coolness just to enter the tournament and meet with Geese, just to beat the crap out of him.

Fuck Bitches, Get Loot, Spelunker Don't Care

It's time to hide your gold, and hide your damsels, because we've got god damned Spelunker running around in here.

You know how heroes run around trying to save some bitch, or to stop some evil villain? Fuck all of that, the Spelunker only cares for one thing, and that's loot. Loot and bitches. And even then, he'd throw a bitch if it'd give him more loot. He's facing all sorts of dangers down there in those caves, and does he give a fuck? Fuck no.

Spiders? Traps? Snakes? If he doesn't have shit to lunge at them, he'll toss a damned damsel at them. Giant Spiders? Fuck those things, he'll make a damned sticky bomb out of their dead body.

Heck, people have set up shop down there to help him in his explorations, and how does he pay them back? He kills them and steals their shotgun if the time is right.

If you get in between the Spelunker and his prize, your shit is about to get fucked up.

Holy fuckballs, it's Kirby!

Holy fuck, are you seeing this? Look at that fucker's eyes, that mouth, Kirby is stoic as fuck.

Dreamland is in trouble? Starvation is rampant since King Dedede stole all the food? The Star Rod was stolen? What? It was only stolen so that the fabric of reality wouldn't get torn by some random douchebag? Who even gives a shit? Kirby's fucking got this. He'll swoop in on those idiots and crash into them riding a stars.

What? Kirby's pink, and pink is girly and lame? Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how fucking awesome the idea of killing some suckers by crashing into them with stars is.

How little does Kirby care? He was challenged to a swordfight, one on one, on top of a crashing airship. He accepted, won, and casually strolled his way out of the ship. That is many fucks Kirby gives about safety.

How many bad games can you name that Kirby starred in? Oh? Zero? That's right, and Kirby doesn't give a shit what you think about the difficulty on his games either. If every game character gave as few fucks as Kirby, every game would have been a lot easier.

Fucks? Bitch, Mario's Got Stars.

Holy shit, it's motherfucking Mario. Look at him, look at how many fucks he gives. Absolutely none, that's how many. Fuck.

Just look at that smile, that happy care-free look. His bitch just got kidnapped by a giant fire-breathing dinosaur, and he has to travel all across the globe just to get a chance at getting a kiss on the cheek from the whore, and does this worry him? Is he angry? Fuck no, Mario is fucking ready for any challenge.

Even just being a piece of paper doesn't worry him in the slightest. No, Mario just fucks shit up like a champ. He'll save that bitch and then throw a fucking party, or challenge his biggest rival to a friendly game of tennis, 'cause fuck, he doesn't give a shit.